The Turbulent Emotions of "The Emotionless"

I’ve been told I lack emotions in a lot of ways over the years, both in flattering and not so approving situations. That has meant I was everything from “very calm and slow to lash out” to “chill” to “not emotional enough” by more than one girlfriend.

You should know, though, if you’re someone who is typically more open with your emotions, that we “emotionless” are far more complicated than we seem. Under the seemingly serene surface is a boiling lake of emotions. And in cases like mine, that often is agitated further by a self destructive need to overthink everything. This only further boils the emotions and further drives us into an impenetrable cave of brooding and depression or, at the very best, contemplation.

We dive into new hobbies. We take on way too many projects and when it comes to romantic feelings, I feel sorry for the confusion I’ve put the girls in my path through. If we find someone we connect with we cannonball in with no regard for anyone’s safety or sanity, usually ending in painful awkwardness on one side and unrequited feelings on the other. It’s like we have all the passion in the world, but don’t know how to show it well and then don’t know how to control the situation when the passion comes exploding out.

Regardless of the scenario we feel, even though we may not show, joy, love, triumph, hope, despair, loss and heartbreak. And we torture ourselves with them internally, over thinking every little gesture and word, running through every possible scenario ad nausea.

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t think these behaviors and thought processes are healthy or productive at all. They cause a slingshotting, roller coastering emotional pattern that can be painful, overwhelming and absolutely exhausting, as well as a source of contention in relationships and work situations.

Whether it’s reacting to judgment by others, reprimands and failures at work, not reaching goals or heartbreak it can mean sleepless nights, sporadic outbursts, questionable attempts to fix or justify situations.

I’ve fought swings like these for a long time, perhaps amplified in all facets by my already volatile career and lifestyle. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better at expressing emotions, but even that has come with a giant learning curve and many spectacular failures along the way. This isn’t going to be wrapped up in a bow, though. Some things are just hard and don’t have easy answers. And this also isn’t a woe is me cry for sympathy, because I know that many of us, especially in the creative fields, are fighting it.

And this isn’t a post with a nice clean wrap up. This is meant to sympathize with the other hidden boiling seas out there. You’re fighting internal battles and, like I’ve said, you’re not alone. It’s also meant to reach out to all those we may have baffled and frustrated and possibly hurt with our cold exterior. We don’t show it well, but odds are the feelings we have are far more present and powerful than you’ll know and than we’ll ever show.

None of us are invincible, especially in these times. But we’re all going to keep pushing, growing and fighting.

- GALEN MURRAY -

VISUAL VAGABONDS Owner/DP