Do I Care Enough to Do it Again?

As I’ve progressed in my career, I’ve run into all sorts of challenges, roadblocks, triumphs, struggles, wins and losses. I’ve written plenty about these and sometimes it feels a bit self indulgent. But it’s definitely a huge part of freelance creative life. A consistent thought, though, as comes with being human, is “Am I doing something that fulfills me? Am I on a path that matters enough for me to keep doing it over and over again?” Fulfilment can be such a cop out word. It’s the Pumpkin Spice Latte of this current work life season. But it is important. Without it the drive is eaten away and with it the will to keep working, or, in our case, creating.

Think about it like a hobby. If I have a hobby that I keep coming back to, it means that I care about it, that I have a passion for it, and that it recharges my lust for life. If I didn’t care or if it just beat me down day in and day out I wouldn’t keep doing it. So, if I apply that logic to hobbies, why wouldn’t I use the same thinking when it comes to career?

Seth Godin wrote in his book “The Practice” (which I highly recommend) “Do I care enough to do it again?” This is becoming more and more of a mantra for me as I look to build my life going forward. I’ve always prided myself in pouring my all into everything I do. And I fully intend on maintaining that work ethic and value system.

Sometimes it can feel like the deck is stacked against me, though. I’ve been very open in my writing about the struggle to remain positive and optimistic. Not every gig is going to be creatively fulfilling. “One for the rent, one for the reel,” as they say. This, compounded by an already depressed mindset, can make it incredibly difficult to keep “Caring enough to do it again.”

It’s a battle to keep caring, especially when I can feel one of those spiraling days coming at me like a freight train. But sometimes you just have to fight through, right? Well, that gets even harder when other people in the production, especially those in producing roles that affect me directly, seem to have phoned it in as well. I’ve had a string of gigs this year that have beaten me down.

Let’s take it in stages. First, you get the initial contact: the call, text or email asking if you’re available. Often this comes after a dry spell, so you excitedly (but not too eagerly) confirm your availability and put the dates in your planner. Rates may not be what you want exactly and/or the content may not be your cup of tea. But hey, you’re working! You’ve got a gig! But then, as happened wayyy too often to me lately and this year, the production ghosts you, offering no explanation unless you’re able to badger them into a half-hearted response saying “production plans changed.” Clearly they didn’t care enough to tell you, a member of the crew who blocked off your valuable time, that your services were no longer needed and why not. Ok, they don’t care enough. But fine. You can still care enough to put your services out there again. You have to. This is your passion and your life. This is the basket you’ve put your eggs in to survive. But it’s getting harder. And the depression and drop in self-confidence is lurking.

But let’s say you make it through the first stage. You lock in dates and production actually follows through. Sweet! Time to get on set and do what you do best! But wait, more chances for people for people to show they don’t care. They show up late. They misrepresent the needs of the shoot and pass the blame off on you, implying you weren’t prepared and are unprofessional. Or worse, they don’t seem to care about getting quality content at all. It seems to be the just there to check off the “well we shot that” box attitude. This attitude can be infectious. Why should I care about what I’m shooting if I don’t have confidence that the final product will reflect that effort?

But again, OK, say you get the gig booked, everyone shows up and is amazing and professional. And the shoot experience and final results are something you can be proud of and feel creatively fulfilled and renewed by. All of this has you reminded of why you do this in the first place. This is what makes you care and this is why you do it again and again. Even despite the complete disaster shoots full of people who don’t care, you do care and you’re renewed by the gigs that show other people do too. These shoots are obviously my favorite: organized, creatively fulfilling and full of comradery.

But there is one more all too common uncaring slap in the face that really takes the wind out of the sails and makes caring so so difficult. This is the one that has left me feeling the most beaten down and defeated over the years. You book the gig, you get on the gig. You work your butt off and are at least a little proud of the results. The producers seem excited too and talk about how they “can’t wait to work with you on the next one.” So, as a professional freelancing creative does, you send the invoice, the final bookend to the shoot asking for the money you negotiated for and worked so hard for. You even add in that nice note saying “Thanks for bringing me on! Can’t wait to work with such and such company again!” And you send it off, feeling accomplished and expecting to see that dwindling bank account get refilled in 14 to 30 days. But then, Crickets. No one answers your inquiries about why payment is late. No matter how courteous or professionally firm you are, you hear nothing. This feels like a total slap in the face. Why should you care about producing quality content and putting your creative heart and soul into something for people who don’t care enough to pay you or even just keep you updated on status of payment?

Yes, sure, you do this because you love it. But damn, you’re a professional and feel like you should have earned their respect (or at least just the money they promised). In a few cases for me, I even saw them continuing to post the content I shot for them on social media and other media platforms, despite the fact that they ignored communication attempts by the one who made the content for them. It’s a weird feeling akin to helplessly watching an ex move on without giving you closure. Didn’t we leave this kind of behavior behind in high school?

I want to care enough to do it again, but when all along the way it seems like so few other people care, it’s so easy to spin into the depression and apathy dragging me in.

I’ll admit that what I write isn’t always sunshine and lollipops. I get lots of responses asking if I’m ok and telling me to keep my head up. And I appreciate each and every one of them. But that’s not the point of my content. I write about what I experience because I know I’m not the only one experiencing it and I want to help my community express their thoughts and work things through. This life and career is a fight and often made harder by those who don’t hold the same standards and virtues we want to strive towards. My goal is to always care enough to do it again, despite what others do or don’t do.

I guess the big takeaway from all of this is that there does seem to be an inordinate number of people who don’t care recently. But I have to remember that there are amazing people who do still care, people who I have been lucky enough to work with and learn from and be inspired by. Producers, Writers, Directors, Camera Crew, Sound Crew, Editors, PAs and all the way down the line. People who keep me going with their passion for their work and love and respect for one another. My friend Emily, one of those amazing passionate people in production, said the most simple and refreshing thing the other day. After commiserating about the lack of caring in the industry she just said “Whyyy? Caring is great!” And this got me thinking. True, there are some real sour people out there. But there are so many more who fight through it all and lift each other up simply because they truly believe that “Caring is great” and act on that every day.

This pure statement is amazing. Caring is great. It’s the reason I fight through people’s disrespect, apathy and complete disregard for professionalism. It’s hearing people like Emily and so many of my other production family show that they care that makes me “Care enough to do it again.” Because if you don’t, there’s no point in slogging through this fight.

Galen Murray

Owner of Visual Vagabonds and Freelance DP