I Was TERRIBLE at My Career!

I found one of my first video projects recently and I have to tell you: It was HORRIBLE! And not just a little bad. It was one of the worst things I’ve seen. The color was bad, the footage was shaky, the audio was scratchy and inconsistent. Oh, and for a whole interview the background was in focus…not the subject… After seeing that hot pile of garbage I wanted to go back and slap 19 year old me for creating it and allowing it out into the world.

What was interesting to me on further reflection, is the different reactions and feelings it brought up in me. The first was shame. I put this thing up in class as a submission for a project. How on earth did I pass that class? They must have seen something in me I didn’t. I put this thing out on the internet! It was on Youtube, Facebook and Vimeo with my name on it. I didn’t realize until recently that it was STILL up on an old Youtube account until I frantically and in a pure panic scrubbed it from the web. The fact that I got any jobs with things like that floating around is nothing short of a miracle. All of this shame came bubbling up and overwhelmed me.

The next wave of emotional response in this trip down memory lane was Self-Doubt. At some point I was not only satisfied with the quality of work I put out, but to some degree proud enough of it to put it online as a representation of who I was and what I could do… What if I’m happy with, and proud of, my work now, but it turns out that in another 2, 5 or 10 years I look back on these projects in horror? What if I’m my career hat on, and satisfied with, work that makes me look like a fool who’s phoned it in? This is a gut dropping feeling. No one wants to be thought sloppy, lazy or unfit for the career they’ve spent so much time building!

Ok, but there is another feeling that hit me after all this deluge of shame and self-doubt: Pride. I started from the bottom. I didn’t pick up a camera until I was in college. And I was NOT good at it at first. I was sloppy. I was overwhelmed. I was by no means technically or detail oriented. And I feel proud of how far I’ve come. I worked my butt off to learn technological knowledge, technique and an ever growing attention to detail. Maybe it’s that drastic transformation from first horrific project to now that shows how I set myself apart.

I’ve lived my life with a chip on my shoulder. I don’t know exactly where it came from, but I have always been, and always will be my harshest critic. I’m ok with this. It keeps me honest, holds me accountable and drives me to do and be better. It may beat me down sometimes and make me feel shame and self doubt, but it also gives me the pride that comes with seeing the big picture and seeing my story as a whole.

I will always look at past projects and pick them apart. In 10 years when I look back on projects, I’ll probably cringe at mistakes I’m making now. And honestly, I hope I do. I hope the content and projects I’m working on now don’t hold a candle to what 40 year old me is producing and the standards I hold then. Because that means I’ll still be raising the bar. I think I’m pretty damn good now and only getting better. So if 40 year old me thinks I suck I must me a baller then.

Looking back on work is hard. It brings up so many crazy emotions, especially in the turbulent overthinking minds of creatives. But even more depressing is seeing stagnation or regression in your work over time.

Galen Murray

Owner of Visual Vagabonds and Freelance DP